Gutweed

How can something called Gutweed, which looks like this:

be a bad thing to eat, I hear you say?

Allow me to demonstrate:

The first time I tried to turn this stuff into food, I didn't rinse it properly, and nearly shattered my molars with a mouthful of sand.

This time, I was far more thorough, and subsequently spread the Gutweed out on a baking tray and dried it in a low oven for around four hours. Then I deep fried it. I did this because it seems like the only thing to do with it, according to google.  Apparently, deep fried gutweed is the authentic topping to some chinese stir fries (as opposed to deep fried cabbage, more common today).  It certainly looked authentic - a vibrant green, glossy mass of otherworldly wiriness, like the pubes of a wizened merman.

The verdict: Anna, my girlfriend, likened the experience to forgetting to close your mouth while being buried alive. Leo made a spluttering sound, like someone being buried alive.  I, however, liked it a lot.  It tastes slightly nutty, and I will include some in the next stir fry I make (Anna and Leo can have a sandwich).

Bladderwrack tea

Seaweed is apparently a superfood, packed full of anti oxidants, anti cancer(ants?), iodine, and omega 3 fatty acids. These are all good things, apparently. And while there is a wide variety of fashionable and expensive dietary supplements available containing seaweed extracts, I have set myself the challenge of collecting some seaweed, and turning it into something that doesn't taste like shit.

Today, while my assistant practiced jumping off an old rusty sewage pipe nearby, and with the incoming tide tickling my toes, I hastily grabbed a few lumps of bladderwrack from the littoral. I took the mulchy mess home in one of my assistants nappy sacks (unused, but unfortunately scented), and simmered the lot for 15 mins, then steeped it overnight according to the instructions given here.

 The person responsible for this recipe, Susan Weed (hilarious!), stresses the benefits of seaweed, including "increased longevity, enhanced immune functioning, revitalization of the cardiovascular, endocrine, digestive, and nervous systems, and relief from minor aches and pains." This somewhat emboldened me as I strained the goo, heated it up and took my first sip.

Verdict? Like a teenager snogging in a pub car park, whose near paralytic partner accidentally lets a little sick slip out of their mouth, I am going to assume that this is an acquired taste.

Boots are doing a deal on bladderwrack supplements (60 pills for £3.79)